Why does forgiveness for ourselves always feel so hard?
When I asked myself the question “Why is it easier for me to write it than to speak it out for myself?” I began to understand what had to be done and then shared with you.
Many of us were taught to say “I’m sorry” to others if we said something unkind, or did something that was hurtful.
How many times as a child did you say that or have asked your children to say it?
Did we learn and understand though through those words what forgiveness is and feels like?
And more importantly, how to truly forgive ourselves?
The further I go in the more palpable it becomes. Why does it hurt viscerally to look myself in the eye and speak out “I forgive you“?
To let go the uncontrollable vibrations held within… it feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was look into the windows of my soul and say “I forgive you.”
It’s like acknowledging all the disappointments in myself I never wanted to feel come flooding though.
And then in that moment nothing can hold it back any more…
It isn’t forgiveness that hurts… it’s letting and feeling the disappointments and regrets surface and go that does.
You know now… nothing can hold it back… but you… and you just don’t want to hold onto it anymore.
You want to give yourself another chance.
And so decide…
To keep on forgiving as long as needed to remind you oh yes oh yes I am worthy to be…
I speak it out ” I forgive you for….” until I understand something new… I’m carrying a history of other’s experiences and beliefs too…
So you heal your beliefs… because you can and it changes it for so many others too!!
And then you burst into a rant of deep forgiveness, with a list so loud and long you wonder if you had been repeating yourself and took a bath but know you hadn’t.
Then with a blessing from God, and after a compassionate heart to heart conversation with your husband…
You move into a rant of deep appreciation of all the positive aspects that you had overlooked and realize that list is even longer.
For now deep peace, renewed love and time for a deep healing rest.
I share this closing prayer and affirmation with you if you are open to receive.
Oh thank you God, thank you for revealing to me that I’m not meant to carry this burden inside me.
I am worthy and deserving of being forgiven, appreciated, and loved deeply.
And so I let it be.
This blog follows last weeks’ on Uncovering Your Deepest Blocks. I share this personal experience with you to deepen your understanding of the process of doing the inner work. It is a process!
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